During our pregnancy my husband's mother brought over some old pictures and a calendar from when my husband was a baby. It was fun for the two of us to look through it each month to see the milestones that he made during his first year of life. Dave's mom was meticulous about jotting down each food he ate, the sounds he made, and when he took his first steps.
It was this little calendar that inspired us to keep one of our own for our little guy once he was born. It is fun to look back at the end of the day and jot down what he saw, or what he did, and I hope that 30 years down the road he will read it and share it with his own family.
Also, shortly after I went back to work after my maternity leave, I was thinking back on my pregnancy and the birth of our son, and I wanted to put some memories down on paper. I started to write a letter to my son, and I have continued this for the last 5 months, sharing my experiences and feelings as a first time mom.
I once again was inspired my some letters my mother-in-law had given to my husband on the day he graduated from pharmacy school. They were letters that his father had written to some family friends, and the friends had given them back to his family after his father passed away. I find myself once and a while spending some time in our office and reading these letters, because it gives me a glimpse into this wonderful man's life, which was so full of the Lord's love and also love for his wife and sons. I wanted something like this for my own son to cherish, so I thought a letter from mom would be a treasure one day for him.
I want to share my first letter here with you.
For the last 4 months I have been
meaning to sit down and reflect on our lives since our son was born. Since my baby boy turned 4 months 3 days ago,
I decided it was time. I am not a writer
or a blogger by any means. I usually
leave the writing up to my husband, who puts our Christmas newsletter together
every year for the fact that he indeed is the better novelist. But I have been thinking a lot lately about
the power of the written word and I wanted to document ours son's coming into this
world, so that one day, he can read this and appreciate the love that is put in
it. I know that my husband's mother had saved
so many letters that his father had written during his life as a new husband
and father, and I know how they are cherished, so I hope one day, my son will
cherish these words as well.
I
often read our little guy a book that was given to him by my cousin called, On the Night You Were Born. So, of course, every time I read it, I think
back to that day in the beginning of November. Well, I often think back about 6 days earlier
when we were visiting my OB for my weekly checkup. It was a Friday afternoon and I was at 37
weeks and 6 days. When I went in to be
measured that day, I was measuring around 34 weeks, not the almost 38 weeks
that I should have been. The doctor was
concerned and wanted to do an ultrasound on me that day. After the ultrasound the doctor called us in
her office and she shared her concerns about the growth of the baby. They were measuring him in the 6th
percentile for his gestational age and they were concerned about intrauterine
growth restriction. I thought, what is
IUGR and what does it mean for my baby? Having had a complication free
pregnancy, my husband and I left the MD office scared and unsure about what to
think. We had to wait out the weekend
until Monday where we could then be seen in Charlotte by a perinatologist for a
level 3 ultrasound. That weekend was
awful. I shed so many tears, worrying
and wondering. I was thankful when we
went to church that Sunday and I was talking to my friend, who had
delivered twin boys a year before. She
shared her similar experience and reassured me that everything was probably
alright. I felt relief just hearing
those words and it helped me get through the day before our appointment the
following morning. That next day, we
travelled to Charlotte and after a talk with the doctor there, he said
everything looked alright, we may just have a little guy on our hands in a few
short weeks.
Well
those weeks turned into 3 short days. At
about 1 am on Thursday November, 3rd, I started having tightening in
my back. It seemed to come and go every
30 minutes, so needless to say, I did not get ANY sleep that night. The next morning I starting timing this
tightening that started in my back and went around to my abdomen. And sure enough, they kept getting
closer. So, I called the doctor and they
said to come in that afternoon. So I
waited around the house as the pain started to get a little worse. In the meantime, my husband felt the need to
mow the lawn. (Yes, your Dad felt
the need to get yard work done on the day you were born). Once he was done at around 2 pm, we went to the
doctor and were checked and I was….only 1 cm dilated. No labor yet.
So we were sent home with a prescription for some Ambien and I was told
to sleep.
Sleep? Well that wasn’t happening. The pain continued to increase. I was in the bath. That did not help. I lay on my side. That did not help. It seemed like it was getting worse and worse
and a crouching position on the floor was the only relief I could find. At about 6 pm that evening I told my husband we had
to go to the hospital. My logic was that
even if I was not in labor, I could get pain medication. So I called my doctor and she said to go
ahead to the hospital and they could check me again. At about 6:45 pm we arrived at the hospital and were placed in a room for the nurse to come and check my
progress. At that point I was one of
those crazy women you see on television screaming in pain. I think the only words I could get out were,
“When can I get my epidural?” The sweet nurse
who was getting ready to leave her shift kindly told me that they would have to
admit me first. Oh yeah. I forgot, we did not know if I was even in
labor. I kept thinking, if this is not
labor, this is a cruel joke. I was
finally checked and…..4 cm! Yes, I would be admitted. I was just happy because that meant an
epidural. An hour later I was pain
free. Life was pretty good, despite the
3 hypotensive episodes I had that resulted in a BP of 60/30 and 3 doses of EPI
and a bag of fluids. 30 minutes later I
was 8 cm. Wow, this baby was really on
his way! The next hour seemed like a
blur. I was exhausted already and
unknown to me, the baby's heart rate kept dropping. I saw the doctor insert a fetal head monitor
which I vaguely remembered from our birthing class. Next thing I know, I am on all fours, with no
feeling in my legs, trying to reposition the baby. With no success, I remember the staff pulling
cords from the wall, and wheeling me, still on all fours, to the OR.
During the short
time from my room to the OR, I prayed. I can’t remember exactly what I was
talking to God about, but I knew at that point that I was telling him that it
was all in his hands. And I had to have
faith that he would answer those prayers. Within minutes, which seemed like
seconds, I was prepped for a cesarean. I could feel some pressure so I knew
they had started, but I had no idea where my husband was. They had instructed him to wait outside
until they knew the baby and mom were okay, and thankfully he was let in right
as our little guy was getting pulled out. Laying
on an operating table not knowing what was going on, I was immediately
reassured when I heard a beautiful, loud scream. Our baby boy was finally here. 5 lbs., 15 oz. and 19.5 inches long. Life has never been the same.
I know that was
a lot of information leading up until becoming a mom, but I wanted to document
it all, knowing that in later months, and years, those memories may not be so
clear, and I felt that every moment, as scary, happy, or uncertain as they
were, all were part of who our son is and who he will become.
So the first 10
days as a mother were great. My mom was
here to help cook and clean, and the baby did what all babies do. Eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom. He was like a clock, every 2 hours he would
eat. I can see why a lot of new moms
have difficulty nursing during those early weeks. I was up every 2 hours, while my husband
could sleep most of the night (I say most since he was woken up a lot). After those 10 days passed, and
I swear it was the day after my mom left to head back to Michigan, my son seemed
to have changed. The baby that would
only eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, became the baby that would eat, go to
the bathroom, cry and avoid sleep (during the day). Those first 6 weeks were a struggle for
me. I loved every minute of it, but it
was hard, a lot of the time. There was
one weekend in particular that my husband was off work that was probably the worst of
those 6 weeks. Our little man ate and cried and
would not sleep. He slept for 2 hour
stretches at night but not a wink during the day. It was exhausting. I was up nursing every 2 hours at night and
without him napping during the day, mommy did not get any sleep either. Looking back on it, he was most likely going
through a growth spurt during that time, but when that 6 week mark came along,
something changed. Our crying baby
turned into a happy little boy.
He has been a
pretty easy baby ever since. He still is
not a great napper. He likes to fight
sleep during the day, but hopefully he will get on a more precise schedule in
the next few months. We are now getting on most nights (I stress most, not
all), 5 hours in a row and I hope in the next month or two, that will lengthen
out even more.
The last 4
months have truly been a blessing. I was
so fortunate to be able to stay at home for 12 weeks before
returning to work, however, it did make leaving him after 3 months even more
challenging. Weeks before returning to
work, I decided that I wanted to cut my hours back. My baby would only be this little for a short
time, and I wanted to spend as much of that time with him. My husband and I are very fortunate for the
great jobs we have, but to me, my time was better spent with our new son, and I
am thankful for every minute that I have with him. I have been back to work now for a month, and
the transition was made easier by family and friends helping us out those first
few weeks. To be honest, it is hard
balancing work and motherhood, and it is exhausting most days but it is worth
every minute of it.
I sit here after
just rocking my precious little boy to sleep.
Yes, it took 3 tries to get him down for a nap, and I can’t guarantee he
will stay down, but I will continue to rock that boy until he out grows mommy
putting him down. My mother-in-law tells a
story about how she rocked all her boys to sleep, and one day, her
youngest, simply pointed to the bed while she was rocking him and her days of
putting her sweet boy down were over. I
know those days will be here soon, but I cherish the special moments I have
with him now. As much as I am tired from
getting up in the middle of the night, there will be a day where I long for
those nursing sessions that I was able to spend with my baby. I did not know what to expect when I became a
mother, but for those of you who are, you know that it is an indescribable
feeling. A love that cannot be
explained. It just is. It is a gift that our Lord has given us to
test and strengthen us, but most of all it is a gift of Love. It is one that I am so thankful for and
would not give up for the world. I love
that little man.
