Trials and True Joy

Time continues to fly by and this past month has seemed like a whirlwind and an eternity at the same time.  In the middle of January we were excited to find out that there would be another Goble baby on the way, so these last few weeks were filled with joyful anticipation.

10 days ago we were scheduled for our 8 week ultrasound.  At 8 weeks and 4 days, I was looking forward to this visit, hoping to share the good news with the grandparents in the days following.     When the doctor walked in and sat down, she told us that she wished she had good news to share.  My 8 week ultrasound was looking more like 6 weeks, and although she wanted us to come back in a week to be sure, she wanted to prepare us that we may have lost the baby.  It was hard for me to hear because there were no signs, no pain, and no bleeding. 

Last week was a blur to me.  Filled with so many emotions and tears.  It is amazing how at even such a early stage, it can be so heartbreaking to lose a baby.  So we waited and wondered.  I prayed at every moment that I could, that maybe there would be chance that this little life would continue to grow, however, at the same time, I was preparing my heart and my mind that we may have already lost it.  

Thursday we went back to the doctor for our follow up ultrasound, and although we were somewhat prepared, it was still difficult hearing that you lost your baby.  We decided on the D&E procedure which took place this past Friday, and I am now healing from the physical and emotional loss.  

I am not sure why I feel so hesitant to talk or write about this subject.  Especially since I have found comfort in many online forums and mother sites that talked about miscarriage.  1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage  but you seldom hear about them. I have had many friends dear to me that have gone through similar and even more difficult losses but it still seems like it is a thing that many keep to themselves.  Maybe it is because it is an emotional time that you share intimately with your spouse and loved ones.  I however, have felt comfort in reading many other women's stories and finding peace with what I am dealing with.  One of my closest friends lost her baby at 19 weeks and found out the exact same time as I did.  As sad as it was, I felt that the Lord had us going through this together to find some comfort in one another.  

The day after our first ultrasound, I was sitting in my MOMS group and one of the speakers quoted  a verse from James that truly stuck in my mind these last 10 days.  

James 1:2-12

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

⁹ Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. ¹⁰ But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. ¹¹ For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.

¹² Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

It is difficult to find hope and joy in light of such sadness, but trusting the Lord and his divine plan has pulled me through this past week. It has opened my eyes even more to the joys that I experience through my loving husband and sweet son.  As I was awakened at 3 am last week, I rocked my little boy back to sleep and thanking the Lord for even that moment with him in the middle of the night.  

I have realized that my time right now is to focus on growing my faith, and loving my husband and son with all of my heart.  These next few months will be a focus on finding strength, motivation, love, and joy in all that I do.  I am reminded through this verse and through this time that perseverance through trials with the Lord by your side will give you strength and true joy.